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To lay it out in a quick sentence, I just got out of jail. During my incarceration the process was started by my land lord to have my son and I evicted.  This is what I came home to: my son and his girlfriend moved into my bedroom, a chaotic mess in every room, my son’s friends living in the two other bedrooms, two cats and a dog that used the garage to pee and poop, my other car in impound, my ex in the hospital from a heroin overdose. And some how it was all my fault. My son has his own list of things that I’m to blame for. But the moral of the story seems to be..if I hadn’t gone to jail, none of this would have happened. My anger screams back that if someone would have bailed me out, life would also be more or less salvageable. My mother, son, and daughter thought I needed to learn something and sit in jail a while. The lesson I learned was that everything that is beyond my control, I no longer take the blame for. So instead of stubbornly holding on to my house, I need to move forward. Desperation will not change my situation. But it will lead only to more insanity. I look back on the times I’ve lost houses and cars. This is the first time I let myself grieve and feel the loss. Two days ago I made $850 and then it was stolen from me by the next morning. I spent hours in agony feeling defeated. It obviously was not meant for me to rectify things financially so quickly. My money will now have to be strategically spent as there will never be enough in time to save the situation. Rent I guess isn’t where my cash is best used. My license is $2600 to reinstate and then over $700 to get my BMW out of impound. The kicker is that I have already sold it for the cost of impound but can’t get it until I reinstate my license anyway. My jail cell mate bonded me out and there’s no way I can back down on the car deal I made with her. I guess I’ll get my son’s car out of impound and hope a miracle occurs to straighten out the rest. Just for the principle of it, my son’s car can not be given back to him. His refusal to bond me out and the fact that he has his own lessons to learn, mean I have to be strong and deal with his anger. Giving in would probably lose his respect in the long run. If I  ever get any respect back it won’t be from letting him walk on me. What I see as me giving him out of love isn’t how I’ll ever have my son’s understanding. He might not ever see my genuine intentions as a mother; To be his mother and know how badly I’ve screwed up is one of the hardest truths to bear; It brought me happiness to give my son his first car, watch him get his license, walk out the door for work, my baby all grown up.  His disappointments are harder on me than him. I absorb the pain and try to make it all better for him. And when I fail I terrorize myself with anguish and submit  to defeat. It’s no wonder he treats me like a failure…look at how I treat myself. I need to find a way to be there for him but also let him get the motivation to change things on his own. Though I haven’t a clue how to do it. Enabling isn’t the answer, and I’m incapable of fixing everything. If only I could see things through his eyes or read his mind. Does he love me underneath his disappointment and anger? Will time heal enough of his hurt to let him be happy and let his resentments toward me fade? One thing I completely take the blame for  the dark parts of his personality. I know without doubt that my past mistakes left everlasting scars. My tears or apologies will never heal them. This week I will instead be taking away his car. Because not taking it isn’t an option. It will hurt me more than him I have a feeling. His verbal abuse will cause a meltdown. His girlfriend feeds the fire. He obviously hates her, but I think enjoys the misery that he mistakes for love. It’s a habit I have shown him for years. It’s almost like looking in a mirror. Or at least a broken piece of one.

#MothersRemorse
#CrackedReflection
#BrokenMirror

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